I am a blog virgin and not the best with technology

I am nearer to 50 than I am 40 and that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is feeling trapped by my mental illness. Most people like to be around me because I make them laugh and I know I can be funny at times. There is a huge part of me however that wants to hide away and shut people out.  Unfortunately, its the ones we love that inevitably get pushed out and hurt. I have four children and a wife and they mean the world to me. I am surprised they still want me in their lives which I find difficult to understand. When I have been suicidal I have genuinely believed their lives would be better without me. I sometimes wonder if its everybody else who is mentally ill and I am not.  At times I couldn’t care less about the people I should care for in my life. Maybe, I detach from them and do the things I do to stop them caring for me. Its true what they say I think that the saddest people are the ones who try to make everyone happy. Looking back I have moments where  the madness has taken over and I want to make everyone laugh and I think they feel obliged to laugh.

After several trips to hospitals, seeing different psychiatrists  and CPNs I was diagnosed with moments of bi-polar and recurrent clinical depression. Then 5 years ago the list was added to with PTSD following an accident. I went to the Regional Affective Disorders Unit (RADs) and I have to say they really listened to me which helped. They did not judge me and they recognised how difficult life had been for me. Knowing those diagnosis hasn’t helped me although I know it helps others. I still feel like every day is a battle



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15 years ago and I wanted to end it. I think there were signs of mental illness before then but the bear hibernated frequently. My life hasn't felt my own and trying to take control has been an up hill struggle.

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